i love you but i've chosen darkness

There is one thing that is common to most of us; we all have that one relationship in our lives that takes out of us more than we ever get from it. Sometimes even more than one. And the thing that sucks most about that is that it’s the one relationship we can never seem to let go of. I too have had my fair share of those, and well, though I’m not proud to admit it, have been like that to a few of my friends, especially lately. Be that as it may, I can say that I have tried to be a good person in every one of my relations, whatever my part in them. For purposes of this discussion though I shall exclude family, and stick with friends, the ones I get to choose, and decide to stand by (or not).

I have three brothers, all of them older than me. We talk, but we’re not overly tight, and especially growing up, boarding school and etc. So I made friends, lots of them, girls I could talk to about boys and about family and just stuff. But I carried most of them in my hands, I would always be the one who went to their house, or wrote the first letter, or shared first. I’m older now, but the more things change, the more they remain the same. I still make the first call, I still go out of my way to find them, and I’d still move heaven and earth for a few of them. Even though for the most part few would ever do the same for me. I live in Mumias, that’s quite a distance from where most of them are based, so once a year I take a trip to the city to reconnect.  Very much like the one I am on now.

Last year we had a high school reunion and I came all the way from Eldy to attend it. This year I was here all along and yet that Saturday morning I woke up and decided not to go. I don’t know why, or I do, but for some reason I didn’t feel like i wanted to go and play friend with a group of ladies I haven’t talked to for way too long. Once upon a time I cared about most of them, but now, now it’s just plain ol’ indifference I feel. I haven’t called the usual people I call when I’m in town even for a day and even though I’ll be here for two more weeks, I probably will not. And I don’t feel guilty about it.

It’s not a good thing to find out that letting go is something I can now do so easily, but it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s just there, it’s just a thing. It’s a new year soon enough, and perhaps the one thing I want most to do this year is declutter. I'm pretty sure I've held on long past the expiry date. it's a saddening thing, but ces’t la vie. That’s just how it is. I hate to do it, because I love you, but I’ve chosen darkness.