the not-so-good days

Everyone thinks we make mistakes when we are young, but i don't think we make any fewer when we're grown up

~Jodi Picoult~

It's getting to that point when I'm realising I'm not as grown up as I thought I was... Apparently stupid decisions are not the reserve of children... well said Jodi, well said, that. I am of the opinion that everyone has a wild side they wish they had the courage to follow wherever... For a few weeks I forgot everything and went along with mine... 

I'm sitting on my bed, this cold November evening, exhausted, today was such a long day... two mammoth papers and one more tomorrow morning, sneezing every minute or so from the flu, and just feeling low-down all round... When I was in high school, someone once told me that sometimes when you are so down you can't pray, God raises up people to pray for you on your behalf... And I just feel like that, you know... I feel like "God, what do I even say?" I'm thinking of Kirk Franklin's song, Hold me now, I'm thinking of Still, MaryMary... Of Bebo Norman's So Afraid... i feel like this is it, Lord, You hold me or I fall, this is it...

Where do you run away from the past, where do you run away from the future? I feel like I'm on one long roller-coaster ride, and I just want it to be over... I don't know what lies ahead, sure the challenges grow with age... but i just want this constant nagging headache to be over... I know I made a couple of wrong turns, but is anything so big it cannot be forgiven? i just want this to end, i want it all to be over...

I am so afraid, that I'll find myself alone,

Looking for a Saviour, looking for a home,

I am so afraid, that I'll find myself alone,

Deep into the edges, deep into the foam

So don't leave me here alone, 

Don't leave me here alone...

~Bebo Norman~

#NowPlaying: Enya - Only Time, the next best thing after silence...

My Starry Nights

Friend of mine wrote this poem last year, one of the few true poets I've had the pleasure of interacting with. In recent days, I've found myself reading and reading this poem, for it's beautiful pictures, but more for how adequately it describes what's in my heart.

Every starry night

When the night is clearer than most

I take a glimpse inside

Assess the depths of my heart

When the night breeze blows gentle

And the sky seems to smile

I stretch out from within my depths

And seek that my heart should find an outlet 

Then every starry night

With every single glance inside

I am reminded of the rot within

I am reminded of the concealed wretch.

The crickets fill the night with the songs of their chirping

The stars hear and twinkle in response

The wind skillfully blows out a whistle

And the trees shake their leaves in gleeful dance

My heart hears, my heart sees, my heart feels

Then my heart breaks, it melts to pure flow

For my armorless heart is beaten, stretched to its ends

The raging battles of light and dark left it in shear turmoil

I cry to the Author of this simple peaceful starry night

That its harmonious patterns;

He may instill in the elements of my shambled heart.

Daggy Odipo

yes Sir, i'm fine

Come unto Me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take My yoke upon you, and learn of Me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.

Another poem we did back in high school was one called ‘Yes sir, I’m fine’. Something about the gap between the rich and the poor, it was quite satirical, no one’s put it up on the net yet, and I can’t find it right now, I would. So anyway, guy talks about how his boss just had a four course meal, and his car’s a Mercedes Benz etc etc, while he didn’t have any lunch and depends on old worn-out feet to transport him, then he says, ‘But sir, I’m fine’. However I digress.

It’s been a rough couple of days, truth be told, the worst there have been in a long time. But this Saturday evening, as I sit in my bed (which bed I have been in all day), I think, “Yes Sir, I’m fine!” Not because my troubles have miraculously vanished, and the gnawing pain that lodged in my chest all through is gone… the truth about broken hearts is that only time can truly heal… But what started as a bad day is now better, thank God. I know still there will be a few more bad days, a few more tears, a few more lying-in-bed-all-day days, a few more what-was-I-thinking's… But I’m fine. As sure as my Redeemer liveth, I know I will be alright, and though I can’t possibly see how He could right  now, He is working for me behind the scenes, He is lifting away the burdens, and the loads I have clung to even though I couldn’t bear their weight… He is taking all my mourning, He is turning it into dancing, and one day, one day I will stand up before a crowd, and say, “Come magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together…that which the devil meant for my destruction, He has turned into a song...”

My prayer tonight, every word in the 38^th Psalm:

 ¹O Lord, rebuke me not in Thy wrath: neither chasten me in Thy hot displeasure.

 ²For Thine arrows stick fast in me, and Thy hand presseth me sore.

 ³There is no soundness in my flesh because of Thine anger; neither is there any rest in my bones because of my sin.

 ⁴For mine iniquities are gone over mine head: as an heavy burden they are too heavy for me.

 ⁵My wounds stink and are corrupt because of my foolishness.

 ⁶I am troubled; I am bowed down greatly; I go mourning all the day long.

 ⁷For my loins are filled with a loathsome disease: and there is no soundness in my flesh.

 ⁸I am feeble and sore broken: I have roared by reason of the disquietness of my heart.

 ⁹Lord, all my desire is before Thee; and my groaning is not hid from Thee.

 ¹⁰My heart panteth, my strength faileth me: as for the light of mine eyes, it also is gone from me.

 ¹⁵For in thee, O LORD, do I hope: thou wilt hear, O Lord my God.

 ¹⁶For I said, Hear me, lest otherwise they should rejoice over me: when my foot slippeth, they magnify themselves against me.

 ¹⁷For I am ready to halt, and my sorrow is continually before me.

 ¹⁸For I will declare mine iniquity; I will be sorry for my sin.

 ²¹Forsake me not, O LORD: O my God, be not far from me.

 ²²Make haste to help me, O Lord my salvation.

 Forgive me, Lord... forgive me...