some time later

I forgot how to write. So much happening, so much change, not enough time to process. It’s a new morning, I’m listening to Rigga's album - The Awakening, he sings that stuff I hate – hip-hop, rap – but I’m listening to him because of the depth of the message he preaches. I’d love for it to be uhmm… much much less noisy, but his stuff is deep.

My woes began six months ago (it’s been that long already?), and as it has been from times past, it began with a boy. Unlike my brother, ours wasn’t a match made in heaven, but he made me laugh, and then he made me cry, and I cried for the rest of the year last year. For my truth all I got were lies, for my kindness all I received was manipulation. I know I’m too idealistic, I believe in the goodness of mankind too much. I also know the world is a cruel place where each one looks out for themselves, but the church too? Isn’t church the place we go to escape all that treachery? Isn’t church the place we go to lay ourselves bare before our peers, and try to walk the walk together? But the church too has become a stage, a place where they go to get the good ones. A place where you get the right profile for yourself, so that no one will doubt your story, you’re the perfect person. You’re born again. You’re even an official. You’re beyond reproach, your weaknesses are covered. No one can say anything against you. If they do, a thousand more will defend you. It’s a good place to be. Until the walls fall, and sooner or later, all walls fall.

Through all this I struggled with going to church, any church. How can do this to a God I love so much? How do I go back and fix what cannot be fixed? How do I stand before people and raise my hands to a God whose grace and mercy I find impossible to understand, hence accept? That just like that that, I confess my sin before Him, leave my sin, and just like that He forgets my sin. How? How can He say He forgets my sin, when as David says, my sin is ever before me? And I mean ever. How can He love me, after I spat on His face, took His blood for granted and destroyed the body that He paid the ultimate price for? So I went to church because it was easier not to have that discussion with anyone, and I looked around at those people who I knew since I was like zero, those people who taught me in Sunday school. Would they understand? Would their arms still be open when they realized she was not so perfect?

 And all the growing up I hadn’t done in the last since I reached puberty, I did in less than two months. The first thing I wanted to do was run to my blog and post Ntozake Shange’s poem here, “One thing I don’t need is sorry”. At the New Year I thought about a happy New Year post, but I had nothing to report, it was just another year to live, far as I was concerned. I shut everyone out; I sat in my room, cried all night and slept all day. I was only too relieved to come back to school, here I didn’t have to make small talk and pretend it was all right. Because it wasn’t all right. It wasn’t right at all.

I’d love to say there was a turning point, there was a moment of truth when it all got better, or I got angry and decided to let all the anger and guilt go, when I decided I won’t be captive to all that fear and helplessness. Maybe it was the diligent prayers of people like Dinah, and my mother. But the truth is, every day I wake up, it’s grace. Every time I lift my hands up to worship it’s grace. When I pray, when I go to church, all grace. Because I still don’t understand it, I still don’t understand what all that love is like, why it’s being poured out on a wretch like me. But if my father still loves me, if after everything he still said, “You are my daughter”, then how much more my heavenly Father? So I’m still here, I still try, and thank you Lord, by His grace, it gets easier.

the not-so-good days

Everyone thinks we make mistakes when we are young, but i don't think we make any fewer when we're grown up

~Jodi Picoult~

It's getting to that point when I'm realising I'm not as grown up as I thought I was... Apparently stupid decisions are not the reserve of children... well said Jodi, well said, that. I am of the opinion that everyone has a wild side they wish they had the courage to follow wherever... For a few weeks I forgot everything and went along with mine... 

I'm sitting on my bed, this cold November evening, exhausted, today was such a long day... two mammoth papers and one more tomorrow morning, sneezing every minute or so from the flu, and just feeling low-down all round... When I was in high school, someone once told me that sometimes when you are so down you can't pray, God raises up people to pray for you on your behalf... And I just feel like that, you know... I feel like "God, what do I even say?" I'm thinking of Kirk Franklin's song, Hold me now, I'm thinking of Still, MaryMary... Of Bebo Norman's So Afraid... i feel like this is it, Lord, You hold me or I fall, this is it...

Where do you run away from the past, where do you run away from the future? I feel like I'm on one long roller-coaster ride, and I just want it to be over... I don't know what lies ahead, sure the challenges grow with age... but i just want this constant nagging headache to be over... I know I made a couple of wrong turns, but is anything so big it cannot be forgiven? i just want this to end, i want it all to be over...

I am so afraid, that I'll find myself alone,

Looking for a Saviour, looking for a home,

I am so afraid, that I'll find myself alone,

Deep into the edges, deep into the foam

So don't leave me here alone, 

Don't leave me here alone...

~Bebo Norman~

#NowPlaying: Enya - Only Time, the next best thing after silence...

My Starry Nights

Friend of mine wrote this poem last year, one of the few true poets I've had the pleasure of interacting with. In recent days, I've found myself reading and reading this poem, for it's beautiful pictures, but more for how adequately it describes what's in my heart.

Every starry night

When the night is clearer than most

I take a glimpse inside

Assess the depths of my heart

When the night breeze blows gentle

And the sky seems to smile

I stretch out from within my depths

And seek that my heart should find an outlet 

Then every starry night

With every single glance inside

I am reminded of the rot within

I am reminded of the concealed wretch.

The crickets fill the night with the songs of their chirping

The stars hear and twinkle in response

The wind skillfully blows out a whistle

And the trees shake their leaves in gleeful dance

My heart hears, my heart sees, my heart feels

Then my heart breaks, it melts to pure flow

For my armorless heart is beaten, stretched to its ends

The raging battles of light and dark left it in shear turmoil

I cry to the Author of this simple peaceful starry night

That its harmonious patterns;

He may instill in the elements of my shambled heart.

Daggy Odipo

yes Sir, i'm fine

Come unto Me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take My yoke upon you, and learn of Me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.

Another poem we did back in high school was one called ‘Yes sir, I’m fine’. Something about the gap between the rich and the poor, it was quite satirical, no one’s put it up on the net yet, and I can’t find it right now, I would. So anyway, guy talks about how his boss just had a four course meal, and his car’s a Mercedes Benz etc etc, while he didn’t have any lunch and depends on old worn-out feet to transport him, then he says, ‘But sir, I’m fine’. However I digress.

It’s been a rough couple of days, truth be told, the worst there have been in a long time. But this Saturday evening, as I sit in my bed (which bed I have been in all day), I think, “Yes Sir, I’m fine!” Not because my troubles have miraculously vanished, and the gnawing pain that lodged in my chest all through is gone… the truth about broken hearts is that only time can truly heal… But what started as a bad day is now better, thank God. I know still there will be a few more bad days, a few more tears, a few more lying-in-bed-all-day days, a few more what-was-I-thinking's… But I’m fine. As sure as my Redeemer liveth, I know I will be alright, and though I can’t possibly see how He could right  now, He is working for me behind the scenes, He is lifting away the burdens, and the loads I have clung to even though I couldn’t bear their weight… He is taking all my mourning, He is turning it into dancing, and one day, one day I will stand up before a crowd, and say, “Come magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together…that which the devil meant for my destruction, He has turned into a song...”

My prayer tonight, every word in the 38^th Psalm:

 ¹O Lord, rebuke me not in Thy wrath: neither chasten me in Thy hot displeasure.

 ²For Thine arrows stick fast in me, and Thy hand presseth me sore.

 ³There is no soundness in my flesh because of Thine anger; neither is there any rest in my bones because of my sin.

 ⁴For mine iniquities are gone over mine head: as an heavy burden they are too heavy for me.

 ⁵My wounds stink and are corrupt because of my foolishness.

 ⁶I am troubled; I am bowed down greatly; I go mourning all the day long.

 ⁷For my loins are filled with a loathsome disease: and there is no soundness in my flesh.

 ⁸I am feeble and sore broken: I have roared by reason of the disquietness of my heart.

 ⁹Lord, all my desire is before Thee; and my groaning is not hid from Thee.

 ¹⁰My heart panteth, my strength faileth me: as for the light of mine eyes, it also is gone from me.

 ¹⁵For in thee, O LORD, do I hope: thou wilt hear, O Lord my God.

 ¹⁶For I said, Hear me, lest otherwise they should rejoice over me: when my foot slippeth, they magnify themselves against me.

 ¹⁷For I am ready to halt, and my sorrow is continually before me.

 ¹⁸For I will declare mine iniquity; I will be sorry for my sin.

 ²¹Forsake me not, O LORD: O my God, be not far from me.

 ²²Make haste to help me, O Lord my salvation.

 Forgive me, Lord... forgive me...

like the sea and its waters...

In my high school days, or rather in my mother's high school days (coincidentally, it was the same school) there was this man who would come to adjudicate during their music festivals and events and what-nots. In my days one of his poems, about my favourite, was part of our coursework. His name's Samuel Waigwa Wachira (yeah, that was to avoid using the tense, I have no idea whether he is still alive given his age when  mum was in high school). In and around 1998 I watched 'My Best Friend's Wedding' (and loooooooooooooooved it!!!) and that was the first time i heard the song "You fill up my senses", just a few lines, but it stuck with me till I was redoing the movie last year and i finally got it for real (thank God for the Internet, though it still took me forever). It was during those witch-hunts, armed with only the last line and a tune distorted by time that ma told me about Waigwa Wachira, that the only time she heard that song was when he sang it at their school back then, i was actually really surprised that she knew the lyrics still, especially cause all i knew was that last line, 'come love me again...'

But I digress, this afternoon I've been thinking and remembering that poem, and I just thought I'd share it. The ladies will probably swoon, the men will probably be amused (guy told me when something makes ladies swoon, it'll probably just amuse them). Nonetheless, any lover of poetry will truly appreciate the candour and simplicity with which this most incredible piece is written. Mr. Wachira, wherever you may be, I wish I had met you, you inspire me...

I have seen the sun rise and set

with a volcanic passion of flaming orange,

And I have thought of a love that once rose and set

like the sun in the sky

I have watched the trees at sunset

And mountains at dusk with purple blankets

And soft clouds of ink,

and softly, I have thought of you.

I have stood on the ferry in the Indian Ocean

And have breathed the sweet scented air

that God gave to the sea

And I have thought of the fragrance of a love that shone so brightly

like the stars in the sky

I have sat barefoot on the rocks by the lake

Wondering what went wrong

Wishing I could hold you

Knowing that I have lost you

Feeling my thoughts fly

 like a bird across the sea

On the lonely wings of love, far…

Far away from home and you

And as I walk the sands of a shore

that out feet used to know

My eyes hurt with unshed tears

My soul turning as the wind calls your name

For I miss you desperately

And I long for you with every breath I take

If I could touch and hold the sun

I’d give it to you

If I could plant flowers in the sand and make them grow

I’d plant them just for you

For I have kissed you when you cried

and tasted the salty blue turbulence of your soul

And if in my turn

I should give up and die

or simply break down and cry

Forgive me lady dear

and help me dry my tears

For it is the cry of the fisherman

After the sea is gone

You are like the sea

and its waters to me

and I have loved you dearly

more dearly than the spoken word can tell…

Like the  sea and its waters - Samuel Waigwa Wachira