jar of hearts

When I was in my first semester of first year a bunch of us landed in a Bible study group with a former schoolmate of mine. She was kind enough to break my idealistic view of the education system early enough, for which I’m eternally grateful. Otherwise, I would have been sore disappointed with the Kenyan public university system. But she also told us something else I’ve never forgotten. She said, “Don’t ever squander any young man’s money; you’ll have sons one day”. Well, I had already been given ‘the talk’ about campus boys, what I hadn’t been told I saw within two weeks of being in campus (my roommate then was REALLY sweet and pretty, as everyone noticed, me, well… I have that face that needs to keep smiling or else… ;)))). 

I’m a bit of an introvert, I don’t take to novelty easily, especially new people. Hence some people think I’m really quiet, others know me as chatterbox Joy. Anyhow, even when I was a teenager, I was always so scared of well, boys – all boys. Not because they want ‘one thing’, back then I didn’t even know about this ‘thing’. But I was afraid of anyone ever mistaking my attention and infectious affection for anything other than what it was. When a boy came along, I was quick to say no, coz I always  wanted to marry my first boyfriend, and that high school chap was soooooo not it. So why go for that date, why should I waste his money (his mother’s money), and yet I wasn’t going to give him what he wants.

I was so young then, so naive, so unschooled and unexposed. No one had ever told me any of this stuff; don’t even know where I came up with it, God just worked overtime on my behalf before I even knew what He was up to. But I still live by those rules I made for myself as a girl, because now I have the understanding. I’m responsible for every heart I break, I’m responsible for every ambiguous message I give. That boy has a Father to whom I will answer. I have a Father to whom I will answer for how I watched over His daughter. One day I may have sons, and they will do some searching before they find a wife, if I bleed him dry now, yet I know we’re not headed anywhere, my sons may be the ones who take the fall for it. As a result, I haven’t been on too many dates… sometimes it’s a good thing, sometimes I don’t think it is. Maybe if I was a bit more ‘out there’ I’d… Sigh!!

Right now on replay is Christina Perri’s Jar of Hearts:

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I like that ‘running around leaving scars’ part, ain’t that what we do now? Breaking hearts upon hearts for that momentary high? How many hearts have we got in our jars? I know I have some; I have not been too faithful to 16 year old me… We have so much trivialized relationships, and the responsibility that comes with them… Nine year old girls are in love, and their parents think it’s ‘cute’ and everyone goes, ‘Aaaawwww!!!’ Is it a wonder girls in primary school are having sex now? What is this world my children will come into? 

When my mum was in Form 1 she got a letter from a boy in our brother school. She cried!!! Real tears!! She was so distraught, why would he write me such a letter?!  So, I didn’t see the letter, but I don’t think this boy wrote any derogatory things, just the normal ‘I can’t sleep thinking about you’, we know them, those letters. We wrote them or got them. But I envy that innocence, maybe it isn’t all good, but we’re raising a generation of adult children. Between civilization – the Internet, social networks, telly and novels – the result is babies trying to carry the emotional weight of an adult. and then when we become adults, we're still babies. But we don’t listen; we want to make all the mistakes ourselves, coz our folks don’t know what they’re saying.

Can you honestly get your heart broken thrice, even just once, and go into another relationship whole? I won’t even talk about ‘chips funga’. A lady came one Sunday and told us “Marriage is not for children”. Every heart in your jar will affect your marriage, every meaningless fling, every friends-with-benefit, every relationship that didn’t work. This guy, Richard Cohen, wrote for the Washington Post years back about this open marriage couple (quoted by Chuck Swindoll):

Open Marriage… Broken Marriage

“There were these couples I know. They were open. They were honest. They were having affairs. They were not sneaking around (applause), they were not lying (applause), they were being honest (whistles). Everyone agreed that it was wonderful. The men agreed and the women agreed and I agreed and it all made you wonder.

Then they split. There was something wrong. Invariably someone couldn't take it. It had nothing to do with the head. The head understood. It was the heart; it was - you should pardon the expression - broken.

It all made you think. It made you think that maybe there are things we still don't know about men and women and maybe before we spit in the eye of tradition we ought to know what we're doing. I have some theories and one of them is that one of the ways you measure love is not with words, but with actions, with commitment, with what you are willing to give up, with what you are willing to share with no one else.”

Are we experts on the human psyche? Do some of us know more about human beings the rest of humanity doesn't? Do we know what we are doing? God, forgive my ignorance… forgive my ignorance…

Who do you think you are, running around leaving scars,

Collecting your jar of hearts, tearing love apart…