too often scars

“The marks humans leave are too often scars.” 
~John Green~

“Hey!”

“Hi, how are you?”

“I’m well, and you?”

“Fine thank you. How've you been...”

I’ve been working on a concept. I have yet to come up with a real name for it, or chance upon what other people have called it, since I doubt I’m the first to think about it. However, for today’s purposes I’m going to call it the ‘one good turn’ theory.

One good turn (for today) is doing what is expected simply to add a plus to your list of pluses, or perhaps negate a minus. So that you can walk away patting you back feeling like an exemplary human being. or at the very least an okay person. And dare the universe to repay your kindness a hundredfold. Like that conversation. That’s how hallows go, depending on what side I'm on; it’s become so ingrained that most of the time I’m doing it on autopilot. On some days, I mean to actually know how you are, but there are times really it’s an autopilot mode response. Don’t give me those eyes, you know it’s true.

One good turn is passing by that guy and tossing a coin into his little cup. Hell, if you’ve been extra bad (hence extra guilty) or extra good (hence extra magnanimous) it might even be a note. So you can add another thing the universe owes you. Like today you have transformed the universe and done your share to alleviate human suffering. And the universe must not fail to see that. Like in the background there should be a big choir singing Handel’s ‘Messiah’ as you walk away. Okay, that last part is a bit much, but you get my drift.

The reason I’m thinking about that tonight is that I recently mended fences with an old friend. It wasn't an exactly friendly parting and we hadn’t spoken in forever until a couple of weeks ago when apologies were poured out by the torrents and promises were made. And life was back to normal. But I knew it would happen. We’d slip back into the normalcy that was there before. And not the good kind of normal either, the uppity kind.

“The worst type of crying wasn't the kind everyone could see--the wailing on street corners, the tearing at clothes. No, the worst kind happened when your soul wept and no matter what you did, there was no way to comfort it. A section withered and became a scar on the part of your soul that survived.” 
~ Katie McGarry~

Because you see, they weren’t apologies to reinstate the friendship for its sake. It was a therapeutic move. To purge the conscience of the weight, to gain some relief. I said sorry, she said it was okay, now we’re friends. We’re good. Cased closed. One less thing to worry about. Hhhmmmm…. It’s human form I guess. I have this other theory, that life is about those who give and give, and those who take and take. So are human interactions. It’s one of those things, just like the reacher-settler phenomenon people don’t usually want to believe. I don’t know why I’m mentioning that; maybe because I feel done in. With giving. And being the bigger person. And being nice. Much good I have been done for all of it. I'll just shop.

A few months ago I was going to write about forgetting. Just forgetting as a concept. You know, past pain, past drama. I had just started doing my research (occasionally I’m not just blabbing from the abundance of my thoughts :)))). And then the news about my friend’s passing came, and I abandoned that for whatever I ended up sharing last month.

Do you ever wonder what would life be like if time didn’t heal everything? I wonder sometimes. If you could remember every single thing with the same rawness as if it was yesterday? In medicine there is this ailment called  the ‘broken heart syndrome’, it’s failure of the literal blood pumping organ, brought on by having your other heart broken, like by a boy or loss or something. If one event, like having a boy tell you that he doesn’t think it’s working , can cause your heart to fail, wouldn't we all die really young?

Would we suffer pain and more pain until we dropped dead? Would those people who have higher thresholds for pain live longer? Would have the human species survived?

Forgetting is a gift, it’s a privilege, and sometimes it’s all you have. Knowing that no matter how much pain you feel right now, no matter how insurmountable the mountain of distress, there will come a day when it won’t be so bad. It will just be an event in the annals of your life, and then it won’t be even there anymore, towed away to make room for new things.

“The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd - The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are.” 
~Fernando Pessoa~

Well, it’s just that sometimes forgetting is easier on some than others. Which is why hypnotists have a job at all. I’m thinking about that, going for hypnosis. I hear you should carry someone along so that you aren’t subliminally told to do anything weird. I’d carry Dinah along, she knows karate and her eyes can get very serious (mean) when she wants. Which of course means that she’d have my back. Which in turn means that she’d talk me out of it before the words came from my mouth.

But there is a word for this feeling: defeated. It’s what you get after a whole series of broken-sciencey things slapping you across the face in rapid succession. Like Barney did Marshall with the three slaps of the slap bet. Like what point is there anymore, you know. Not in any I want to be dead sorta way. Just, I dunno, just defeated. Even the girl with all the logic in the world can’t get over this one. And too afraid, maybe  proud, to ask anyone. So she tries to not go completely down, over and over again. Perhaps one day a sun ray will shine with her clarity. Every dog has its day, after all. 

But oi, Lord, shall ever a break be caught....

maybe in another life

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Living with an eclectic part vegetarian is really honing my culinary abilities. That and my mother’s penchant for never wanting to eat the same thing twice. Which makes it impossible for me to draw up a mental menu and just go with it come the day. I think I’m going to be one of those Internet recipe mums, using things like aubergines and watercress and making baked dishes for dinner, complete with dessert hopefully, which I think is awesome. Anyway. Now to begin.

I used to love watching One Tree Hill because it had the blueprint of the place I wished I grew up in. And very wise monologues. Where you had the same friends since nursery school and you could walk around at two am and not worry about muggers.  I very much doubt that anyone in Kenya can have that… maybe if you live in Nyayo estate you have a shot. For some reason I do miss my childhood friends; my runs around the universe would begin shortly after, but for those 7 years, I was with the same people and it seemed like nothing would ever change.

Funny, that life seems like nothing I ever lived, sometimes I can’t remember what was real and what no. But they were some fun years, even though I doubt I’d take them back for free. It’s true though; there will always be a greater or lesser person than yourself. I have a good memory (mum doesn’t think quite so). Faces, names, numbers, I carry them all in my head, plus a bunch of mundane details about their lives no should ever have to remember. Once I realized this (alert: sounds like those kids who wear ‘different’ like a badge and give speeches about being different) I sort of thought it ran through the ranks. Heaven forbid I should have thought myself special.

I don’t mind it much, I can reconstitute my phonebook fairly solidly after five different incidents, and it always helps when you’re stranded, perhaps because of the aforementioned incident. until I discovered it's not an everyone thing. Took me a while to stop begrudging people for not being the same way. I think no one escapes the trap of comparison, at least for a while, if not ever. Tonight I’m supposed to be writing about memes, I’m bone tired, slightly under the weather and I’ve got a before dawn start tomorrow. Still. So I read this one (whilst researching meme-like things). That’s how my blog posts always start, can you tell?

Today’s desiderata portion is easy I guess. Avoid loud and aggressive persons. Part of being mellow, if I dare use the term, is being secretly stubborn. Set in your ways. Avoiding confrontation and being silently piqued. In the past I would run and never look back (from those people). Thank heavens I’ve learnt how to cope. But I guess even in my higher state of existence, there are those who can only rightly be described as tedious. I still avoid those. Like the plague. Along with crowds of strange people. I’m a small party kinda girl, where small is two preferably close friends who also know each other. Awkward filler conversations I am unable. :) :) :)

I think everyone should learn how to surround themselves with silence. And how to live in their head. Maybe just not when you’re crossing the road or chopping vegetables. Being with me is something I do, not in any narcissistic way, it’s just, changing location every couple of months, you have to adapt. I did, even though sometimes I miss the company; you see something beautiful and immediately you know someone who would appreciate it just like you but they are too far.

I hope one day I get to live in a safe place, cause I’d really love to take a midnight walk. I’ve always been drawn to the night: the quiet, the peace, the clarity. I’m at my best in the night. Some of my best work happens after midnight. And the stars. And the lights from a distance. Maybe I should go camping. It’s like the best of both worlds. Being out at night and being in at the same time. These concrete jungles we’ve built, no one can even see a single star for all the electricity. You can’t see a nice moon out and stuff like that…

I really want to go for that walk someday. And go to Greenland and see the Northern Lights (and then get out of there really fast). Also, I wish Lucas’s book was a real one; it would be an awesome read. I really am quite tired. 2500 words from me tonight? About memes? Well, if you’re going to be awake all night it might as well be about memes rather than offer courses on Guang Zhou I presume.

Well, that will be all for now. More later. I do wonder what lies ahead. What’s at the end? And I wonder why certain scents refuse to fade. Did you know the nose can identify and store 50,000 different scents? And attach memories to them? Thinking about Lifehouse isn’t quite the thing to do either, much nostalgia.

Let me get my socks and get with the memes. Else Martin won’t like me very much come morning.

Your plans are not the Bible

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Let’s pick this up from the top. I tried last week and ended up with a muddled piece of anti-sense no person shall ever read. I am that no person. Okay, it’s been a couple of weeks, I’ve been itching to come back I swear. It so happens that my 7 posts are going to span a couple of months, but eventually I’ll be done. There. Apparently my foot can fit in my mouth after all :) :)

That four personalities chart thingy places me as a melancholic. Mostly that’s true. I’m also a little phlegmatic. I like silence. I work in silence these days for some reason, even though I can get all the music I want. It’s strange for me, because my schooling years I couldn’t abide silence. Mum says people who are afraid of silence are afraid of themselves and their thoughts. So maybe that’s a good thing. I’m beginning piece number one of my Desiderata series on that note.

As a side bar, I have had an interesting couple of weekends. First my five day hiatus at Muki’s which provided the perfect mini-vac from the recent events. And I finally watched my first 3D movie on the second try thanks to Colin. I hope I’m not the last to that party. Transformers 3. It was quite something I guess. The rest of the weekends have been spent around love and friends. Who I cannot be grateful for enough. Also this isn't what we did that Sato

The truth about life I discovered is that it moves on. Whether you want it to or not. Whether you hide or not. Life goes on. And that’s never a bad thing. I’ve been watching this series, and the granny said that life is about solving one problem after another, and then we die. It seems like a pessimistic analysis, but it is not without its truth. Jesus does say Himself that we will have tribulation. Meredith Gray says that you cannot outrun pain. I say that life is as easy now as it’s ever going to be. Wherever you are. Think about it. Really think.

Our dad has finally gotten up. He has finally gotten up on his feet. It’s not complete, but God’s truth, it’s the most amazing thing that’s happened all this year. I think I’ve learnt that we have good friends, my family and I. people who clung on for us when we lost  it. I’ve always believed that that’s how God works. He raises people to cover your back when you can’t have it for yourself. It was amazing. And we give thanks.

Of late I’ve been learning how to let people be themselves, and let people run their own lives the best way they see how. Sometimes that doesn’t work out for me; many times that doesn’t work out for me. The best expression of love I know is getting involved. Sometimes that's blurting out the first thought in my head. Sometimes it's fixing. So taking a step back and letting things unfold is new for me. I hope it works out.

I don't know much about speaking to strangers. I would if my life depended on it I guess. But like just because? I doubt it... I've certainly mastered that art of self-company, maybe a little too well... But there is some truth in those lines up there. i shall have to spring forth from this shell and embrace novelties. I’m still bugged all over by this verse

…except that no man can understand the work that God does from beginning to end

I don’t know why, because I’ve always known that. Maybe it’s because it’s the so little spoken of addendum of the ‘He has made all things beautiful in its time’ verse. I came so close… waiting is hard sometimes. Waiting indefinitely is even harder. I usually think myself capable of dealing with most things, but silence and not knowing beat me down. I know every piece of this puzzle will fall into its rightful place at some point. But I don’t know where that is. So it’s hard.

Oswald Chambers says that you pour yourself out for others in the meantime. So that’s my plan. To actively prevent myself from sinking into the shadows. I’m very accustomed to not sinking roots anywhere, or making immediate future plans. I’m trying to make an effort. Nothing come from nothing. Nothing comes for nothing. Your plans are not the Bible. Your happiness is a fringe benefit. His purpose comes first.

It was a remark that cut into me when I saw it, “your plans are not the Bible”. The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. I know this hasn’t had much to do with the desiderata portion for today, but oh well. Eventually one of them will find a story of best fit. Plus, I need to get ahead with it before silence kills me. He beautifies everything, that's what's so awesome. Nothing is beyond rescue with Him.