and i cry a little more...

DISCLAIMER: This is going to be one of those graphic content posts they warn you about on the news. Viewer discretion is advised.

Today was supposed to be that day I woke up with a refreshed sense of self. It was my designated me-day, and I was going to enjoy it to the max, do those things that needed doing around the house and then just stretch out on the sofa and couch potato the rest of the day away amid junk food and movies.

It’s 7am, so there’s still hope, which is okay I guess. Instead of waking up refreshed, I did that thing I almost always do: I woke up like at five thirty and then decided I’m gonna stay in bed, unasleep till after seven. So there I was, processing things from yesterday, and the last week, and the meeting I am supposed to have with this friend of mine next week. And I ended up lying on my bed, tears slowly seeping into my pillow.

I have never been one of those touchy feely types, and generally speaking I probably expect as little as I can get away with from the human species. As a result, I hadn’t as such, expected much from anyone by way of backup regarding what’s going on. I picked a group of let’s say six or so people, who I figured  I’d ride this out with, let them know what goes on, have them in on events as they unfold and know that they are not feeding me empty platitudes and really mean what they say when they say they’re praying. Maybe their prayers keep me up, because whenever anyone asks me how I’M doing, you know with that emphasis on ME, I almost always don’t know. I guess it’s one of those ostrich mechanism things – I don’t see it, it’s not there, I’m alright.

Nonetheless, turns out I did have some expectations, even of those I didn't expect much from. Not that they would just know, but that they would try to be there. But then you soon discover that hornbill’s problems are hornbill’s problems. And that at the end of the day God always sends you help from the most unexpected of sources, I guess because:

… we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.

So that we’ll know that was all Him. But when He does that, while thanking Him for the unexpected, sometimes you’re hurt by the expected. Someone said that sometimes people pray for the inflicted, and forget the affected. I now in part understand just how much grace is needed. To meet with my friend next week and wear a serene expression on my face and say that everything’s fine. What else do you say? You suck? I know why you’re asking so I’m not going to give your conscience the satisfaction of knowing you care simply because now you ask one question and I furnish you with all you should have known? 

No, you can’t say that, you say that it’s fine. Thank you for praying. Thank you for being there. Thanks for asking. And then turn against the wall and cry out to God to make those sentiments true and take away the pain. And know that no matter what, because I was never raised to turn away my back on a friend, I’m not going to lose their number. I’m not going to pay them back. I don’t even know how to do that. But you know what Lord, the truth is that I’m hurt. So I’m telling you, because I don’t know how to say it to them. And I need to tell someone. 

The world keeps on turning, it’s just ours that doesn’t. I guess I understand that sad love song, its sentiment, anyway...

Why does the sun go on shining
Why does the sea rush to shore
Don't they know it's the end of the world
'Cause you don't love me any more

Why do the birds go on singing
Why do the stars glow above
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when I lost your love

I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything's the same as it was
I can't understand, no, I can't understand
How life goes on the way it does

Why does my heart go on beating
Why do these eyes of mine cry
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye

But many more things I don’t understand. So I cry a little more…